it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
