if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
