I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
