My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
