the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
