Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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