She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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