That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
