new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
