Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
