I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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