dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i wish my penis had a tongue
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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