So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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