that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
