my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
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