I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
