We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize