You just made me feel so damn special
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
