and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
