I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
