dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Houston, we have a blender
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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