Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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