kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
