Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
this boner is exhausting
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
