i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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