yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
