I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
