Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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