I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
