Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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