Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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