So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
