thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
