I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
