I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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