did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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