when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
