i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
