shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
