He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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