I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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