I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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