my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
