Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
