I could have mohawked her pubes.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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