He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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