Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
