i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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