She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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