If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
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