Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
