i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
pray to the hookup gods
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
