meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
