I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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