I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
