i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
