You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
