It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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