I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
