this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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