How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
